Family Is a Place Without Gossip

Support is the backbone of any family. A place where you’ll get a chance, and where you’re going to get support without judgement. What does that mean?
People will, from time to time, fall short of their own standards. People will fall short of family standards. People will, from time to time make huge mistakes. People will also misjudge mistakes. People will overreact to routine situations because in a family we are emotionally invested.

But for those that love you to gossip about you? For those that love you to spread tales of your mistakes?

That can’t be allowed!

Gossip is destructive. It creates a cycle of true ugliness. Judgement is also destructive, especially when it’s just an impotent complaint (brother is bad, dad is bad.)
Family must be a place where rumors & judgement aren’t abided. Where there’s nothing to be gained by speaking ill of another member (immediate or extended). Where that sort of talk is unwelcome.

Support isn’t always acceptance.

There will be times when valued people are periodically operating outside of the family’s standards of behavior (ethics, morals). Support means that there’s always a way home, a way to embrace the benefits of a family. The way is well lit and they know that they’ll be welcomed back with open arms at the right time.

Being part of a family means that your mistakes won’t be gossiped about. That you’ll have people to help overcome challenges. That you won’t be treated as a pariah because…
….you’re in for life. For life, you can’t afford to damage family members. You can’t afford to weaken them with rumors and ugliness.

The Minimum Viable Apology

At some point soon we’re going to see a professional athlete or political figure apologize for something that they do.

What will happen is some type of nopology.  

“Ah, I didn’t mean to disrespect (gender/race) and I was misconstrued.  I’m sorry if anyone was offended.”

Bad communication.

The right way to apologize:

  1. No clarification.
  2. No blaming the victim (I offended them, not “someone got offended).
  3. Fully recognizes the breech, as more serious than it was (I’m sorry you’re right to make a big deal out of this).
  4. Shows hope for the relationship & values the future.
  5. Asks for an acceptance of the apology (to close the matter).

Apologizing to the public itself is futile because when we make errors there will be someone that won’t accept it.

Does Your Communication Set Off Bullshit Detectors?

Does Your Communication Set off Bullshit Detectors?

You have to communicate, right? It’s part of the deal.  And you want also to be believed.

Famously, 93% of communication isn’t our words, it’s the nonverbals around it.

The problem is, sometimes you are telling the truth but you seem like you’re lying:

(In Case Youtube Breaks the link, this is the Anchorman II scene where Ron Burgundy tells the truth but seems to be lying).

The mark of the novice communicator is sounding insincere.  False. Inauthentic. It’s the death knell of many leaders. “Didn’t connect.”  See below – a moment that killed a campaign for president from a fairly qualified individual:

In case Youtube someday breaks the link, this is Jeb! and the infamous “Please Clap” moment.

He doesn’t connect because he’s reciting. He’s seems overly rehearsed (which, incidentally is almost always caused by actually being under-rehearsed).  This thing feels like a performance, and not a window into Jeb’s soul.  His campaign was killed here.

It’s why humblebrags are a bad idea. Because the very essence of them is an ironic slap in the face at sincerity.  False humility is worse than real arrogance.  Hence, those the hunblebrag are rightly scorned.

We flee – instinctually – from insincerity. Because we hate being fooled.

The problem with that?

A lot of the times it’s easy to send false positives and appear insincere even when you aren’t.  It’s really a simple matter of poor communication.

How Bad Communication Creates A False Appearance of Bullshit

When you use hyperbole and puffery in the spot where knowledge should be.  You’re new to something. And you love it. But you’re not completely well versed, so enthusiasm takes the place of where knowledge should be. This creates a situation where you naturally oversell things.  You don’t have sufficient backup.  So you bullshit. Think of your favorite CrossFit guy or Paleo guy.  They don’t have the facts, they just know that this is working for them. And they want to persuade.

When you are trying to persuade, yet you take half-measures: 

The worst is the sales prospecting call by an amateur.  We’ve all had it

You: “Hello?”

Bad Salesman: “Hey, I’m looking for Chris.”

You: “This is chris.”

B.S.:  Great, My name is Steve, how are you today?”

Kill me now.  Terrible way to start a call.

If he had gotten to the point, said “I have something (specific) of value to offer, want it?” That’s a different story

The other example is the acquaintance on Facebook that never speaks to you except now they have a financial opportunity, dietary cleanse or something else.

Why?  Because the caller honestly doesn’t care.  And if he does, he’s a sick puppy that’s been stalking me for too long.  The dude wants to sell me something. Totally fine.  Make the GD case for the value of that thing.  

When you want too badly to be liked.

We’ve all been there. Talked to a vendor or provider that not only wants to do the job but has to be ingratiating.  A waiter without skill interrupts your dinner with stories and doesn’t do a fantastic job.  Someone that talks about how hard their job is.

This is bad – so bad – because people don’t trust someone

When You Don’t End With Authority

A lot of time speakers and others will end sentences vaguely. In lieu of making a bold and strong statement, they will wander. The wandering sews seeds of doubt, and instead of getting that communication is hard, we think that the person is insincere.

Why we do this & How To Fix It

First, we have to remember that barring mental illness, communication is always the responsibility of the sender.

For receivers, it’s simpler to simply reject an idea than it is to dig into why we don’t believe someone. And as a receiver we just reject it and don’t think too deeply about it.

We fix it with Empathy and security.

Empathy tells us exactly how the other person would feel in a situation like the one we’ve presented to them .

Security in our own selves allows us to not have the damning need to be liked by others.

Breaking The Browser Habit

The browser vexes me.

On my Mac, it’s a portal to whatever the world has to offer. It’s mostly distractions.  Things that don’t benefit me, support my goals or put me in position to be of service.

I use it a lot – because I’m not a luddite: I use the Gmail App.  I compose in Google Docs.

I’m writing this – right now – in WordPress.

Problem is that with those of us that use shortcut keys a world of distractions are just a CMD-T away. (New Tab, Facebook.  New Tab, Sporting News. New Tab, Twitter.)

This is an attack on Deep Work and on Focus

So the goal now is to use the browser sparingly, only for vital things.

 

Focus Is A Muscle

It’s hard to focus. It’s always been hard for me to sustain concentration over a long period of time. The human condition. I’m not unique, and I may even be above average. Still. It’s the biggest challenge, and mastering it creates a reward.

The muscle muscle be built.

Spending time in the Flow State, serving your business, serving clients, serving others.  That life. That night.

The digital age. The million distractions that we can respond to. The opportunities to slide.

Working to get *good* at focus by the following means:

1. Tools- Things like IA Writer, notecards, timers, standing desks- that make it easy to think through and complete tasks.
2. Schedule- A plan in advance what we are meaning to do. We set alarms so that it happens.
3. Friction Reduction- There are loads of opportunities
4. Systems- Templates to do things “correctly,” so that every time we work on something we aren’t reinventing the wheel.
5. Checklists- A subset of tools, but we want to always know what we’re working on.
6. Virtues & Practices- bigger reasons that we do what we do. This sort of comes last, but is also first.

Being personally competent is a first order value. Like with the thoughts on “debt,” if there is a lack of personal control, then it’s going to be very hard to perform in an open ended job.

GTD was a triage system that helped us work through and “churn digital widgets.” But we want to make a life that supports the type of focus and deep work that transcends triage.

 

Other Types Of Debt

For close to 6 years I’ve been running a company called Simplifilm. For four years I had a (great) partner. We’ve had some accomplishments. The creation and sale of a product. Best selling authors worked with us. More.

We also pushed a bunch of stuff under the rug. Both in the “partner days” and beyond. They put our company in peril, and took some of the *joie de vivre* out of running our business.

From our friends in tech we understand the concept of Technical Debt. This is when you don’t address the underlying problems with technology and patch software that may not be written correctly. By not embracing current methods, we rely on old fashioned methods. Or by kludging things together this is what happens.

In *The Hard Thing About Hard Things*, Ben Horowitz talks about *Management Debt.* He may have introduced that idea. Management debt is when you put off hard decisions and create a rotten culture. An example would be to give people raises when they brought offer letters. This would train people to always be seeking offers.

I’ll say that there were several types of debt that we incurred:

Administrative Debt

This comes from things like not having a rigorous file structure, not having a setup so we can easily recall information and a system for working internally and externally. Not doing 1 on 1s.

When you just “put something in a Google Drive” in lieu of having a time to name files and organize things correctly. You pay this off when you need something and have to spend time searching for it.

We also find ourselves reinventing the wheel frequently. How, where do we market?

We didn’t have a method to catch issues, a standing meeting or something that would cover relationship, strategy, marketing or anything else. So there was a void and assumptions never got clarified. Nobody was accountable for this stuff.

Strategic Debt

This is the sort of thing that Verne Harnish’s work covers. Having a strategy **and** a method to review, renew and change your strategy. We were “just making videos.” We didn’t have anything that would inform decisions about pricing, about what types of clients we’d take. We just wanted be in the flow. Again, because I can close and Jason could design we got away without really having a strategy.

We also had different ideas as to what we should be. He wanted to be a little, elite boutique (a Ferrari). I wanted to be a higher volume shop (Toyota). We never really reconciled ourselves to that so we were both working from different assumptions, and that could have been resolved.

We were fundamentally working from different assumptions. And because *a lot* was going right, we never took the time to see where we were at with things.

Relationship Debt

My partner is a hardworking and honest guy. I try to be. We had some relationship issues though. All people will. That’s humanity.

All people will mess up, all people will. I know I have.

We’d have issues that would come up – a milestone date would get blown, or poor communication would lead to having to rework some art. Those things will happen in any business that has human beings involved. We’d both grouse at one another but we’d never really create a system to understand, empathize and support one another.

A poor journey on my end would make me seethe but I’d say “No big deal, I can always earn another sale.” Both ideas were totally true. *From a certain point of view.  But the issue really was that the resentment built. The sense of futility.

What happens though is without really solving the issues, you build debris in your relationships.  And that creates a long term problem.

Financial Debt

This is the debt that most of us consider to be the most important debt. When we started, we made some errors in incorporating. We were growing unevenly so we punted on things like “how we’re going to pay ourselves.” We ran for a year as an LLC and then a C-Corp.

We had to pay ourselves high salaries. Me because I was paying for my wife’s school. Jason because we were 50/50. This meant that we took money out of the company that could have been spent on building up the company. Because we had other stuff going on (and no structure to resolve it) it hurt us.

We surfed the payables and then things crept up on us slowly. Money wasn’t there to take care of things. We’d get by with a new batch of sales.

Our growth obscured it – in absolute terms the lag between payroll and the rest was severe. But relative to what we had it kept shrinking.

Marketing Debt

This is all about lead generation. We never built systems to consistently generate leads.

SEO was a skill I employed successfully in our early days, and then we had a great flow of past clients. But we never really addressed “where do we get new leads.” This is a subset of strategy. We just didn’t agree on how much of our time this would take.

An example was that we only made 1 :30 second video for ourselves when we worked together. Because we didn’t have other things get resolved.

Another is that there was nothing other than fairly manual ways to acquire customers.

Cleaning Up The Balance Sheet

This isn’t the only type of debt that exists. Fitness debt, mental hygiene debts are all real things that really do exist.

All of the above added up to some situations we’d not do over the same way. Had we to do it over again, we’d have done it differently for sure.

Now, we’ve been more successful than not. But the “bad stuff” or punted choices threatens to hurt us. It was always there, in the back, restricting our growth.

Taking a toll on my very sanity.

The waiter brought the bill. We have to wash dishes for a while. But we’ve got a business that can make it all work.

Curriculum March 2016

In March, I’m committed to getting back to reading and exercise. I’ve got a big hill to climb and I’ve imperiled my company by having had so much overhead.  That lead to a place where we were behind on deliverables, and started a death spiral that (I hope) we’ve pulled out of.

The idea is to return to the “flow state” that exists.

Books: 

  • THE POWER OF HABIT: This is well written, I’ll finish, but it’s lighter on specifics than I hoped it would be.  It’s foundational material, in lieu of usable material.
  • Booked Josh Turner: I need to get back into the flow where I was constantly generating great leads for my business.  I’ve been out for a while.
  • The 12 Week Year: Brian Moran
  • Influence by Robert B. Cialdini
  • Titan by Ron Chernow- This is one that I started in December, so I’ll be able to get through it. It’s longer but I need to know about the period.
  • EGO IS THE ENEMY by Ryan Holiday  (this book isn’t out yet, but the always-loyal ryan has agreed to get me a copy).
  • Javelin Rain: Myke Cole (the reward for finishing Titan).  A sci fi book by a friend and author that is just crushing it.

Making The Worst

Many of the big problems in my life aren’t times when I made the worst of a bad situation.  I was probably more right than wrong at the outset, but…the reaction was graceless.

A few things I would do differently

  1. Don’t change your cell phone number (unless it’s to disconnect from people.)
  2. Don’t allow (many) inbound calls.
  3. Add 6x more value than what you take away.
  4. Don’t be snarky.
  5. Be nicer to family.
  6. Stay in shape.
  7. Get in shape to begin with.

 

Deep Work – Cal Newport

Deep Work – Cal Newport

  • February 29, 2016
  • Books

Deep Work by Cal Newport is an amazing book that will certainly change my life.  The process is going, and I’m excited about where it will take me. It’s a book that I can’t really criticize because it’s so good

As something of a workaholic, I’ve had spurts where additional hours not only no longer produce value, but undo work I’ve done.  A case in point is the current state of the Simplifilm website.   I have done, undone, and redone it dozens of times and I’m not substantively closer to being OK. It’s consumed hours and yielded little extra benefit.

That’s because I’ve worked while distracted, while unfocused, and this means that the work suffers.  A little focus – at the expense of other things – is the way to go.

But Deep Work truly is at the expense of other things. If we are to make an amazing contribution we have to “drain the shallows.”

The book is divided into two parts: one “the case for Deep Work,” and two “How to Work Deeply (which also spends about half its time reinforcing the case for Deep Work).

The first part is for motivation. We learn why this matters, we learn how peer-reviewed academic journals have treated topics like concentration, performance and mental throughput.  (Beginners can practice a musical instrument for about an hour a day. Masters can rarely go past 4 hours.)

The main gist is that Deep Work is rare.

In Part II, we’re given more specifics. We’re given definitions and exhortations.

-work deeply (create habits that support it)

-quit social media

-drain the shallows

-have a quitting time (so you can go back)

-embrace boredom (which means that you can’t scratch the itch all the time to do things.

This book has started a curriculum for me of things that I’ve meant to catch up on.  I finished Scott Adam’s new book : How To Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big. That book compliments this one. In that it provides an example/case study of a person who has optimized his life to work deeply.

The case for deep work is compelling. It’s our chance to in fact make a contribution that lasts longer than we do. It’s done through deep work, not merely getting better at “cranking widgets,” which has diminishing returns.

I’ve optimized my life to be able to be more productive. I’m working from home again, and I’ve got my things about me.  It’s time to make a big contribution.